Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

An occasional feature that uses arcane references, impenetrable humor and the accumulated bile of hours and hours spent listening to reactionary talk radio to mock any poor sap unlucky enough to stumble on my speck of the web. argo starch handy hints for the home (Google)

Goddamn Heloise, always stealing my material.

watch a free clip of William Hung singing Shebang (Yahoo)

Wait, there are clips of William Hung someone pays to watch?

camels hump prednisone picture (AOL)

Those randy camels will go after anything that isn't nailed down.

crapping elephant clip (Google)

I think you do have to pay to see this one.

bad jesters coloring sheets free (Yahoo)

Rodeo clown modeling kits, however, very expensive.

Mr Potato Head Costume Sewing Pattern (Google)

Doesn't he have a hard time threading the machine with those big plastic hands?

"tight prom dress" (Google)

Duuuuude! I thought they busted up after the reunion tour.

punk pioneer demanded seven dwarfs (MSN)

Oh, yeah? Well, My Very Elegant Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Porcupines, muthafuckah!

business looking for shirts (Google)

Paging Sally Struthers...

is jiggy pen still in business? (Ask Jeeves)

Yes, but GetDownWithYourBadSelfâ„¢ notebooks went the way of New Coke and Mr T cereal.

xxx c

Prison Break

A brief quiz: The communicatrix would like FOX's hot-'n'-juicy new episodic to kick ratings ass because:

(a) The OC jumped the shark and she needs SOMETHING to look forward to, for fuck's sake

(b) it stars a former acting class acquaintance whom she got to kiss once in a scene* and would like to be able to brag about without having to explain who he is

(c) the hopelessly juvenile in her gleefully anticipates people calling it "Pee Break"

(d) who doesn't like a good prison story, dammit?

(e) all of the above

xxx c

*For the record, while he was a very good kisser, there were no sparks on either side; it was strictly a "duty" kiss**.

**I said "duty".

Image of the glorious Wentworth Miller in Prison Break via FOX's official Prison Break website and lots of snapshot-taking and Photoshop re-configuring because the #@$%&*(s did it all in Flash, damn their eyes. 

The face of today's fruit

From a breakdown (character description) for an audition I have tomorrow:

Caucasian woman, 35-45. Real with character. Not attractive. They probably have some cute or quirky characteristics, but again, they're not beautiful. We would love a brunette or dark hair but open to all hair colors.

Oh, this is to play a tomato.

Yes, really.

xxx c

Karmic payback's a bitch...and so am I!

Note to anyone* who ever knew me in my previous incarnation as a copywriter: Dear Former Co-Worker of Mine Who Is Still in Advertising,

Boy! Long time, no time, huh? Where are you guys staying now, Shutters? The Viceroy? Or do you eschew the beach and stay in town? Or maybe you go super-downscale and fly under the radar at the Farmer's Daughter or that place attached to Swingers? ("You go"? That's a defunct car from the 70s! AD JOKE! HAHAHA!)

I guess it was a big surprise to see me on the audition tape the nice casting people here in L.A. sent to you, huh? I'll bet you even stopped eating or took the tape out of fast-forward search, like we used to do when we saw something weird or funny. Are those tapes still as looooong as they used to be? Boy oh boy-ar-dee, this town is lousy with actors, huh?

Of course, even I don't see many actors nowadays since it's been reeeeeeally slow lately. Like, for the last two or three years and stuff. You could shoot a cannon through most of those casting places on a lot of days and not hit anyone. Makes me wonder how much longer we'll both be able to make a living at this, huh? Yikes!

At least we can still run into each other now, like at my audition. Sorry, your audition! Although really technically, it was a callback. Oops, callbacks! One in the morning and then one just enough later in the afternoon for me to drive home, eat lunch and come back! Anyway, I thought something funny was going on when I showed up at the first one and all the other Casual Moms had blonde hair and were pretty. Then I thought maybe the director had called me in as a special choice, but I'd never met him before, plus he seemed to be laughing at everything the guy I was auditioning with did, not me. And then when he didn't remember meeting me four hours later, I was pretty sure something was up. Et voila! You burst out of the room with your big surprise like a naked lady jumping out of a cake, only you weren't naked or a lady and there was no cake.

Anyway, it's great to hear everything is going so well for you. And it's really amazing that all of you guys that I used to work with at the agency are still working there all those years after I quit. And boy howdy, it is QUITE a coincidence that I turned up on your audition tape. After all, I have only been doing this for 10 years and, wait...10 years? That's as long as I worked as a copywriter! Hahaha, oops! Better be careful...I'm dating myself! That's the kiss of death for an actor, right?**

Well, usually, that is. In this case, it doesn't matter much since (a) you already know how old I am and (b) you're not going to hire me, anyway. Come on...admit it. Come oooooooon! Because, seriously, I've auditioned for tons of you guys now (and mostly I've been able to remember your names, which I think is pretty amazing!) and the only one who ever hired me to act on their commercial is an art director who left the business to become a director. I mean, let's call a spade a spade, right?

But, hey, I'm all for catching up with old pals. Old business acquaintances, too!(And we are OLD now, right? Right? HAHAHA!) So next time you're coming in to town, send me an email or give me a call. Let me know which fancy hotel you're staying at and I'll meet you there for a cocktail, on you, after working hours. You know, all those hours during the DAY that I drive from Assmunch to Albuquerque, auditioning, like I did for you, only for real, to get actual jobs and stuff.

That's about it. Enjoy your stay in sunny Los Angeles! And good luck with that commercial you didn't cast me in! I probably won't see it since I don't watch much TV anymore, but I'm sure it'll be really hilarious and great and keep the fires of broadcast advertising going strong for another fifty years. And even if it isn't, you'll have a great time in Vancouver or New Zealand or wherever it is you get to go shoot it!

Ciao, bellas!

xxx c

*And, while this letter was inspired by a recent incident, I do mean "anyone". You know who you are, you devils, you!

**Actually, this might be the kiss of death. Can you get dooced if you're self-employed? Or would this be more of a blacklist-type thing?

Photo of the communicatrix by Thomas Lascher

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

All searches personally inspected for your safety and convenience. Rubik salutation (MSN)

"Greetings, dorkmeister!"

brain disease when eyes are closed black and white morphing and dancing symptoms are seen ? (AOL)

Survey says...Darwinism!

designer graphic grocery flyer (Yahoo)

Using both the words "designer" and "graphic" very, very loosely.

perversity in Shane Alan Ladd (Google)

Don't you hate how when you rent that tape it's always stopped at the same place?

"waikiki"+"couch"+"balcony"+"photo" (Yahoo)

"overly" + "specific" + "mathematics" + "punctuation" = "nutjob"

blog dating schadenfreude improv (Google)

When reality TV and performance art collide.

freakily addictive games for ALL ages (Google)

Geek family values.

schwag hippy fest fans (Yahoo)

"My loft-mates went to Burning Man and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

coastal girl wearing skin tight mini dress pantyhose heels down on ground feeling kryp (AOL)

We're sorry. Your search returned no results. Did you mean "Chip"?

Photo Albums Pituitary Tumors (MSN)

I smell a new Flickr group...

xxx c

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

"Kojak parking" (n) (slang): finding parking directly outside of one's destination, no matter how busy the street or hour of the day, without circling, waiting, or having to pay. [syn. "celebrity parking"; "Hollywood parking"; TV/movie parking.

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

Wherein the communicatrix comes up for air and brings with her the waterlogged remainders of a thousand lonely, late-night searches. Well, okay, ten. But that's hardly poetry, is it?

jokes about arrogant, self confident co worker (Yahoo)

A copywriter, a media planner and an account director walk into a bar...

can i get a pedicure if i have a plantar wart? (Ask Jeeves)

Yes, but airbrushing it or affixing bling in the form of rhinestones or miniature initial charms is considered bad form.

non listening overtalking (Google)

Lalalalala, Ican'thearyou, lalalala...

frye boots cock (Google)

You've got to admire the refreshing directness of our friends in the gay community.

"feng shui"+"stairs to the basement" (Google)

(In my best Jan Hooks/Texas tourguide voice), "There's no basement in feng shui!"

i was caught stealing dresses and undies from clothes lines (Google)

I smell a Larry H. Parker poolout...

Dum Dum Dum Duuuuuum (# 67) (Google)

Dum dum dum dum DUUUUUUUUUM (and I'm skipping to #69 because I'm a nasty, nasty girl).

odometer "numbers line up" (Google)

If you're on your way to Vegas, it means put it all on black, dude.

"here's my dick" (Google)

Lalalalala, Ican'thearyou, lalalala...

EFUDEX BLOG (Google)

It's official: blogging is Over.

xxx c

Arrivederci, Las Vegas!

Well, I just got back from five days in Las Vegas and boy howdy, it is just as FABULOUS as the sign said it would be! Firstly, how great is it to be surrounded by so many people who are here to have FUN, such as smoking and playing video poker and drinking Miller Lite at seven A.M.!? There are lots and lots of exciting shows at the various casino-hotels and some of the best of them are right smack in the middle of the casino floor and FREE (although you do have to pay for the valuable limited edition coin).

And if you get bored (hahaha), you can get in your car and drive up and down Las Vegas Boulevard A.K.A. "the Strip" and see e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g because they make sure the traffic goes really, really, REALLY slowly. And is there ever a lot to see, both man-made and natural. For example, at night, there is lots of "neon" and "signage" and "neon signage", but by the morning, everything in Las Vegas magically turns to the same color of beige! And stays that way until they turn the lights back on!

Speaking of magic, as it turns out, not only did we totally LUCK (hahaha) into staying at the hotel with not regular but XTREME magic, it also is home to the genuine FOLIES BERGERE "production" nightclub act, which they don't even have at that hotel that looks like ancient France. We also had many luxurious amenities such as a choice between valet and "self"-parking (with most of the spaces thoughtfully located on a vast, sunny lot far enough away from the hotel to afford excellent views of other lots) AND an "espresso" bar where the baristas make "real"-type espresso AT THE PUSH OF A BUTTON!!! No tiresome grinding and pulling in LAS VEGAS, baby!!!

And that is not even counting THE FREMONT STREET EXPERIENCE, which is not just five blocks of casinos covered by a slotted dome with an hourly light show projected on it but a complete EXPERIENCE with FREE Mardi Gras beads, FREE music from the 60s, 70s and 80s and an entire host of gourmet foods available for purchase including fried Twinkiesâ„¢, fried Oreosâ„¢ and yard-long daiquiris...in every flavor! No wonder it gets so many glowing and thoughtful reviews!

Well that's just how much I really loved FABULOUS Las Vegas, Nevada! And on this, the eve of the anniversary of the date commemorating our country's move to independence, I cannot think of a better way to celebrate those principles that made our country great than to spend the weekend in a 100% American paradise created from raw desert with nothing but lights, air-conditioning and franchised eatertainment: VEGAS, baby, VEGAS!!!

xxx c

Images via The Las Vegas Review Journal

Viva Las Vegas!

Hi, everyone! It's Colleen, a.k.a. the communicatrix, from blogging.la! You know, a REAL metroblog from a REAL city!* Well, I'm out here in sunny Las Vegas...finally. I mean, it took for-fucking-ever to get here. I don't know how you guys do it, living so far away from a real city. That drive must get really old, huh?

Anyway, sunny doesn't begin to describe it. "Hot as motherfucking Hades the night before the bake sale" comes a little bit closer. It's a good thing you guys built all those casino places with the cold air. Only the air-conditioners must make a lot of noise because it's very loud in all the lobbies, plus all of those lights are kind of distracting. And there are no windows. What's up with that? I'm like, "is it eight AM or eight PM?"

Speaking of air-conditioned places did you know there are lots of hotels in Las Vegas? And that all of them have air-conditioning? Including one that looks just like ancient Egypt and one that looks just like ancient Rome and one that looks just like ancient Barbary. I like that one made out of Legos that looks like the Medieval Times (uh-oh, now I'm getting hungry!).

We're not staying in that one, though. We're kitty-corner from it, in a hotel named after the legs of a famous Hollywood actress (like me!) I love boning up on history! (Ha ha, I said "boning"!) It is very luxurious and glamorous, like the ancient Riviera must have been. (Note: I have not seen any French-speaking people here, unless you count those Canadians who cut in front of us at the sports book, hey, I thought our neighbors to the north were all friendly. Maybe they are all staying at that hotel that looks just like ancient France.)

So anyway I came out to Las Vegas to shoot some time-lapse photography with my boyfriend, a.k.a. The Boyfriend. Well, that's the made-up reason, anyway. The real reason is we really like to go out for breakfast in Los Angeles (where we're from) and you guys have this place that makes these amazing fucking omelets. I mean, if I lived here, I'd just get an apartment across from the strip mall that houses that restaurant so I could eat those amazing fucking omelets every day without even having to get in my car because there ought to be some pluses to living in this shithole, right?

Here's how you get there from “the Strip” (that's a nickname for this big street called “Las Vegas Boulevard” which runs through the middle of town):

Okay, that's about it. I'd write more about your "city" but there's really not much to write about, is there? I mean blah blah POKER blah blah STRIPPERS blah blah HOT AS MOTHERFUCKING HADES. You guys should really check out L.A. and stuff. It's much cooler there plus we know how to blog.

xxx c

*b.la (that's "blogging.la", only we say "b.la" because we are really cool, not geeky like other people who spend a lot of time on the internet)

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

They're baaaack... x.x.x on yore television (Yahoo)

Fer nekkid ladies in yore livin rume.

Circuit Diagram of Back Lit Large Digit Caller ID with Call Waiting (Yahoo)

Ah, yes...from my series of posts on the relative merits of LCD vs. LED...

argo starch weight gain (Google)

The communicatrix recognizes that pure starch, branded or otherwise, will pack on the el-bees if that's what you're after. However, it is highly SCD-non-compliant, so she recommends saving it for your shirts, and opting for the half-and-half yogurt with chopped liver chaser instead. Atkins-friendly, too!

use krazy glue on plantar warts (Google)

Unless the plantar wart is on the top of your contruction helmet which you are trying to attach to an I-beam, don't.

kossack erotic art (Google)

Which predates "the commie sutra."

Jane Kaczmarek in pantyhose (Google)

"Ooo, yeah, slip into a pair of those suntan control-tops and call me 'daddy'..."

"waikiki"+"photo"+"balcony"+"woman"+"sucking" (Yahoo)

I bow to the specificity of fetish.

bbw over 750 pounds (Google)

Less odd to find this search landing someone here than it is cheering to know I'll have someone lusting after me if I remain on the half-and-half-yogurt-with-chopped-liver-chaser diet.

funny clip art,intilectual women (dogpile)

Uh-oh, looks like the Religious Right is up to they're wacky hijinx again!

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢ (Haiku edition)

It pains me to report that the communicatrix, a.k.a. "That Boneheaded Idiot," lost an entire post's worth of searches while getting all fancy-pants with the transfer of items from Entourage holding pen to TypePad publishing glory. However, in the spirit of making delightful, refreshing beverages from sour, inedible fruits, she is using her anger-turned-inwards to craft a newer, better post...in 5/7/5 meter.

That's right, cats & kitties, this Friday, "Searches" is rockin' that most time-honored of poetic forms, the haiku*.

Read 'em and weep. Or whatever else the spirit moves you to do...

xxx c

"My/You/Me"

communicatrix: (Google) RYAN SEACREST in frye boots, (Google) powered by typepad (Google)

"A Hero Ain't Nothin' But An Order of Freedom Fries"

self rightious virgo, (Google) define chacon a son gout! (Google) (french swears? zut alors...) (Google)

"There Are No Free Lunches, Pal"

Write to change your life (Yahoo) Daniel Chu, copywriter! (Google) shop now! pay later! (Yahoo)

"The Secret of Life"

giant labia (Google) how to make people happy (Yahoo) labia redux (Google)

"Ode on Harriet the Spy"

dasani tastes like... (Google) the late great Louise Fitzhugh! (Google) I hated Spanglish. (Google)

*All poems made from ACTUAL SEARCHES landing people at communicatrix.com. Search engines (in parentheses) are provided for authentication purposes only, and do not count toward syllabic allotment. Some punctuation has been added for reasons of aesthetics/humor/caprice.

ADDITIONAL TECHNORATI TAGS: haiku, poetry, search terms

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

Oh, I have been busy and woeful, woeful and busy (not too mention woefully busy). However, like a good sun salutation or a stiff belt of Glenmorangie, Searches is a powerful antidote to stress.

Breathe deeply, and relax...

how to make drugs in your own kitchen (Yahoo)

I can't even begin to tell you how in the wrong place you are. However, if your travels prove fruitful, mi cocina es su cocina, baby...

colleen good (metacrawler)

But from the look of things, not great.

Baba Ghanoush shelf life (Yahoo)

Please do not put the Baba Ghanoush on the shelf. The Baba Ghanoush, he likes to be in the giant box of refrigeration.

there are 2 doors one leads to death and one to life. There are 2 people there one always lies and one always tells the truth. What question do you ask to find out which door leads where? (Google)

I dunno...maybe..."Who does your color?"

Vincent vanGogh's wardrobe (Yahoo)

One pair pants, one homespun jacket, 40 headscarves...

alex trebek photo full length (Google)

Omigod, Alex's people are soooo tired of fielding this request.

guitar cords soundtrack the godfather part 3 (Google)

Hot damn, man...when do we jam?!?

jane kaczmarek naked (Google)

How great would it be if this was the same dude looking for Alex & Vincenzo?

dasani tastes like (Google)

Chicken?

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

While I am busy sitting on my keister, not practicing piano, dozens of people are out there searching for knowledge... Kossack cheat mode (Google)

Ah ah ah...cheaterskis never prosperski!

eunuch sundance channel (Google)

Okay, I've heard of the fragmenting of the cable universe, but this is ridiculous.

fancy lala transparency (Yahoo)

What the well-dressed overhead projector is wearing this year.

french swears zut alors (Google)

For ze not-so-naughty parlez-er...

coastal girl in skin tight mini dress pantyhose heels feeling kryptonite (AOL)

The poetry slam is two doors down, pal.

99 Seat Theaters For Sale In, Los Angeles, CA (Google)

For the love of all that's holy: Back. Away. From. The. Checkbook.

Orange,colleen (Google)

Okay, now you're just plain freaking me out, here.

online television xxx chanel (Google)

Oooo, baby...I love it when you wear that bouclé knit g-string...

"substitute for polenta" (MSN)

And communicatrix is the sole source on the interwebs! Touchdown!

sexy toenail long polish beauty pretty photo gallery (Yahoo)

Why do they have to be Polish?

powerbook G4 15 "smokin hot" (Google)

Oooo, baby...I love it when you talk dirty to me...

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

Oh, my babies...I know I've been remiss. Two whole weeks without an edition of "Searches"! Fortunately, the Googlers have been out in full force this week. Thank you, my little lost souls. May you all find your respective ways...just as soon as you've provided sufficient fodder for Friday's mill.

origin of word Happy (Yahoo)

Sneezy, Grumpy & Doc tire of dreaming up new epithets for their Prozac-popping sibling.

Ex-boyfriend, naked photos create web of woe for girl (Yahoo)

When journalists Yahoo themselves...

What it take to make a happy family (Yahoo)

Damned if I know, but whatever it is, I'll bet it's the same for all of them.

"do do that" grammatically correct (Google)

Just because it's grammatically correct doesn't make it polite.

red kryptonite class ring (Yahoo)

What Superman will not be wearing to his 10-year reunion.

"the late great Louise Fitzhugh" (Google)

Gotta love someone who conducts even their searches with respect.

"Love changes everything" graphic by Lady Virgo (Google)

Except, perhaps, the ability to find a graphic uploaded by the elusive astrological illustratrix.

hanro blogger (Google)

"And then on Friday, I spent another $50 on this other supercute pair of panties. And then on Saturday..."

bijal is a liar (Google)

And, as if that weren't bad enough, he's nowhere to be found. Perhaps he fled the building when he discovered his pants were on fire...

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢: all-Google edition

Wherein the blogger, weary from a 12-hour day of hoisting a prop Betamax camera to her shoulder for repeated takes, leeches humor of off random Googlers who had the misfortune to land at communicatrix.com. using a Rube Goldberg's Wacky Machine how would you make a cup of coffee (Google)

Alarm clock shakes taut string > pulling spoon lever > springing superball loose > hitting ping-pong paddle > swatting cymbal-playing monkey > which wakes slumbering man > who hurls monkey against the wall, gets up and heads to Starbucks for a double-shot latté.

"toenail polish" "what is" "best color" (Google)

"personally" "I like" "a good orangey red"

"Sew your own Curtains" (Google)

Don't tell me what to do!

history of antifreeze,1936,sierra madre movie (Google)

Either I missed something in my last viewing or that's the multitasking-est surfer I've ever seen.

powerpoint colonoscopy jpeg (Google)

I don't know, but you've given me an idea for invigorating my moribund presentation graphics business...

meaning Colleen (Google)

My parents told me it meant "pretty girl," thus creating in me a lifelong distrust of authority and more neuroses than you can shake an ugly stick at.

Hunting the muse,Eharmony,Match.com (Google)

If you're seeking artistic inspiration on the two worst dating websites in existence, you have bigger problems than where your next great novel is coming from.

on being me (Google)

If you're trying to google your way to that, we're all lost...

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢: Jeopardy edition

Yeah, I posted almost nothing of substance this week. You wanna pick a fight or you wanna see the freakshow? I figured as much.

calories in a blooming onion outback (MSN)

What is 'If you have to ask, step away from the dessert bar'?

what does nsa mean? and craig's list (Yahoo)

What is "someone is in for an interesting date Saturday night"?

I hated Spanglish (Google)

What is 'the benchmark of discerning taste'?

Ryan Seacrest versus Simon (MSN)

What is 'the imminent sissy fight that keeps 21 million viewers glued to the set in the absence of genuine talent or competition'?

butt doctor (Google)

What is 'a surprisingly effective schoolyard taunt when combined with "Your daddy is a (--------)!!!"'?

colleen (google.fr)

Q'est-ce que c'est 'Magnifique!'?

the colorectal surgeon sing a long song, chords,tabs (Google)

What is 'Hollywood Bowl concerts that will not be repeated'?

DANIEL JOHNSTON WELLNESS (Yahoo)

What is 'a contradiction in terms'?

TWOFER BONUS LIGHTNING ROUND:

'image of duck smashing computer' (Google) duck smashing pc clip art (Google)

What is "Artwork that the ironically-challenged find hilarious"?

AND THE FINAL QUESTION IN TODAY'S TWISTED LITTLE GAME:

buy now pay later (Yahoo)

What is "What the American Public Did On November 4th, 2004"?

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

Bring on da sass, bring on da snark... salon+los angeles+hipster (Yahoo)

Search away, but if you actually find, via the Internet, a salon that purports to be a collective of L.A. "hipsters," I can almost guarantee you it isn't. As for you starting your search here, I'll tell you straight: the hipster quotient at communicatrix is about as high as it is here or here.

killer bees stinking badges (Yahoo)

Please don't remind me of when SNL was funny. It hurts too much...

inspiring quotation on breakups (Google)

Finally, something that's right up my alley! If I were you, I'd go with one of two things. Either the tried-and-true, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger," or or a little Dotty P:

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania.

But really, when I've been in your shoes, I've found a couple of fingers of fine, small-batch bourbon infinitely more inspiring.

woo woo drink (Yahoo)

According to the Webtender, a quality resource if ever I saw one, the Woo Woo contains:

• 1 1/2 oz Peach schnapps
• 1 1/2 oz Vodka
• 3 1/2 oz Cranberry juice

Pour all ingredients into a highball glass over ice cubes, stir, and serve.

Your Waikiki Woo Woo, however, is a bit more complex in its construction, which I'm guessing would translate to a more nuanced and subtle depth of flavor:

• 1 oz Rum
• 1/2 oz 151-proof Rum
• 1/2 oz Vodka
• 1/2 oz Tequila
• 1/2 oz Triple Sec
• 1 oz Amaretto
• 2 oz Pineapple Juice
• 1 oz Orange Juice
• 1 oz Cranberry Juice
• Crushed Ice

Combine all ingredients with ice and pour into a hurricane glass. Top with a pineapple ring, slice of orange, and cherry speared on a paper umbrella.

On the other hand, if you want to keep it real, the woo-woo types I know favor Two-Buck Chuck.

kanji symbol meaning cupcake (Google)

I don't know, but these nice people will emblazon the t-shirt, cell phone strap or Kokeshi doll of your choice with any ding-dong kanji symbol you want.

And while you're waiting for your kanji merch, why not enjoy this geeky link to delicious cupcake?

overachievement versus work addiction (Google)

If I'm mildly irritated by you, you suffer from overachievement. If I'm mildly irritated by you and we've been going out for three or more years, you have a work addiction.

compendium of funny remarks made by screenwriters, wits (Google)

Just make sure you don't confuse the two.

math month circus flyers (MSN)

Because nothing screams "party" like a scary clown with a calculator.

crossroads, one path leads to life and the other to death, there are two people there, one always lies, the other always tells the truth. you can only ask one yes or no question to find out which path is which riddle (Google)

Wow. You must kill at the Friar's Club.

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢: Smartass Edition

Lordy, lord. I'm up to my eyeballs in 20-cent design jobs right now, kids. Fortunately, I can dispense with this week's queries lickety-split:

similarities between Jaws, Vertigo, and Citizen Kane (Yahoo)

They were all shot on film. Colleen Wainwright blog (Google)

Yes, she do!

spanglish turd (Google)

It certainly was.

colleen erotic (Google)

Thanks, but I'm spoken for.

reprehensible hyperdictionary (Google)

Like you're so all-fire moral yourself.

a fucking film called snow white and seven dwarfs (Yahoo)

Now, now. Editorializing during a search only hurts our own results.

bridge on the river kwai, whistling (MSN)

No kidding. my husband is into kiddie porn (MSN)

THEN CALL THE #$*(&!$ COPS, YOU MORON!!!

Cristina Aguilara clothes line (MSN)

Why?

xxx

c

Auuuuuuuugh!!!

"I hate taxes, Charlie Brown!"But they're done, and I've learned oh-so much from the experience.

1. There is a diminishing rate of returns on the cafe Americano and it starts at #3.
2. "Nip & Tuck" cannot decide whether it wants to celebrate the shallow or comment on it.
3. "Law & Order" knows exactly what it is: the most excellent of all background noise.
4. No matter how good your records, the mileage fairies will always desert you in your time of need.
5. When they do, a Ketel One on the rocks (with a twist!) works wonders.
6. I will never, ever have enough medical receipts to qualify for a deduction.
7. When you're halfway through your check register, cleaning the toilet seems like a fun alternative.
8. When you're halfway through your Visa statements, gum surgery seems like a fun alternative.
9. No matter how many receipts you save, you will wind up with half the amount you need to actually break even.
10. Next year, I am Quicken's bitch.

Excelsior!

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

Miss me last Friday? These guys didn't: skills that wil make theater art effective (Yahoo)

Persistence, intestinal fortitude and abundant independent wealth.

hillbilly terms of endearment (Google)

I'm not sure, but I think "ma," "sis," and "cuz" all work. Bonus-extra heat points when used in addressing the same person.

clockwork orange t-shirt xs boys (Google)

For the baby droog in your life.

using CHASEN froth (Google)

Green tea. Enh.

CLINTON WRONGS (Yahoo)

Okay, lemme get this straight: war started under false pretenses; a ballooning deficit; blithely imposed restrictions on personal freedom; all of this only halfway through this nightmare administration; and you're looking for what Clinton did wrong? No wonder I want to bang my head against a wall most days. "everything in moderation, including moderation" "Ben Franklin" (Google)

Yes, this means you have permission to tie one on this weekend. Don't drink and drive!

xxx c