The Silly Ones

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

searchesWherein the communicatrix cheerfully delivers the elusive goods for the boolean-challenged. ben folds crohns (Google)

It's hard to discern your purpose, wandering puppy. If you're looking for the self-proclaimed "Only Ben Folds Fan With Crohn's Disease," you'll find him here (although since the release of Has Been, he can no longer claim that title). Ben Folds also played at the same pier where "Sippin' By The Pier," a wine-and-beer tasting benefitting the Philly chapter of Puppet Organization to the Pharmaceutical Leviathan, the CCFA, was held. Perhaps you're confusing Ben Folds with Pearl Jam guitarist Mike McCready, who finally came out about his Crohn's in 2003 and unfortunately (and, I'm sure, unwittingly) became a spokesperson for the Dark Side. But as far as I can tell, Ben Folds does not have Crohn's. Maybe it was just something he ate.

love my frye boots (Google)

Wow. That's hard core. I mean, I loved my (knockoff) Frye boots back in high school, but I've never felt compelled to beer google them to see what they're up to these days.

why does blood come out from the butt (Yahoo)

Becaaaaaaause...it can't go in? Seriously, dude, there are certain cases where self-diagnosis is a really bad idea. This example being chief among them.

Write to change your life (Yahoo)

My undying competitive streak forces me to interject that the communicatrix came up FIRST in this interesting Yahoo! search.

So, hail, fellow (or girly), and well met. A quick poke around the web turned up a few interesting free sites that will take you through a writing workout. I'd also recommend browsing your local bookstore's writing section to see if you find something inspiring, Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones is nice, and of course, The Artist's Way will take you on a big motherhumpin' writer's journey.

use of efudex on lips (MSN)

Efudex? Man...are you sure you wouldn't rather use a nice tube of Cherries in the Snow?

naked pictures of kirstie alley (MSN)

Back. Away. From. The. Computer.

100 bloggers jon strande (Yahoo)

Okay, folks. This is the book that Evelyn got me invited to submit to. Some, er, time ago. And I've been nothing but bad bad bad about selecting my essay for inclusion. So here's me asking you: which of the communicatrix's many rants (and/or raves) would best serve the book's stated goal of getting the uninitiated clued in to the wonderful world of blogging.

Columbo Lesson Plans (Yahoo)

1. Buy raincoat...

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

searchesLike the Big Man (sort of) said, "Suffer the little searchers to come unto me"... Children with night terrors on Jan 19, 2005 (Yahoo)

It was a dark and stormy night...no, seriously, if it was January, it was probably pouring out here. That scares the kids, especially if they've never seen a snowstorm. Oh, wait...never mind.

Of course, if you're really dealing with screaming children waking themselves and you up in the middle of the night, you might try rewording your search and adding some strategically placed quotation marks. And if you live in Ontario, the Waterloo meetup group looks promising.

But whatever you do, stay away from communicatrix.com. For god's sake, Article 38.2, item "A" in our charter explicitly states, "Scare the children, wherever possible."

ethics in biology article november 2004 (Yahoo)

Wow. When Evelyn and I get to gabbing, we really cover some ground, don't we?

big mom woo woo (Yahoo)

Yes. Exactly.

"Flow my tears" "evidence room" tickets (Google)

Here's you, 12 months from now: "Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said? Why, that's the Philip K. Dick at Evidence Room that I heard tell about on communicatrix. ... How many awards? ... What state of undress? ... Illicit narcotics and dancing girls with loose morals, you say? ... Damn, sounds like I should've gone."<

Don't want this to be you? Okay, then. Call (213) 381-7118 now (NOW!) for tickets to what will surely be the hottest show this season (in Los Angeles, under $25).

And be sure to leave a nice message about how pretty you think the new website that Jen & I did is.

only the worlds water headlines, not information (MSN)

I know what you mean. It gets so tedious, wading through endless articles when all I want is a quick water fix.

notes of cary town meeting november 2004 (Yahoo)

Man, I love me a wired town. Oh, wait, they came here looking for those notes.

Never mind.

ass fuck pessin with fuck (Yahoo)

Naughty, naughty!

And no, you'll have to type in that saucy link yourselves.

And for that charmer I caught trolling for kiddie porn, if I catch you again, I'm turning in your IP address to the FBI.

define chacon a son gout (Google)

It's when that certain je ne sais quoi collides with comme ci, comme ça, mon petit chou. (Like, le "duh.")

graphic designer overdue bills (MSN)

xxx c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

searchesWell, the Project Runway traffic has died down considerably, but the crazy hits just keep on comin'. And the disappointed visitors, I presume, just keep on leaving. On the off chance that they've returned to find that which they were searching for, here's what the peoples want to know this week:

psychic alice dubois (MSN)

The communicatrix comes up first in this MSN search; no wonder our searcher got confused and went elsewhere. As a jackass of all tv shows, mistress of none, I'd suggest doing a Google search and going here. Although it's pretty good sport watching the atheists froth at the mouth here. Using "Allison" instead of "Alice" might also improve results, although your mileage may vary.

barbra bush and crohn's disease (Yahoo)

That's a new one on me! Actually, as Yahoo! put it, "Did you mean: barbara bush and crohn's disease?" Well, hells, yeah! Unless maybe I meant Barbra Streisand and crohn's disease. But no, it was former First Lady BB, shilling for pharmaceutical company mouthpiece, the CCFA, back in 2003. Apparently, Mrs. Bush's youngest son, Marvin, is an ulcerative colitis sufferer. I'd insert the obvious "Republicans are full of shit" joke here, except that UC, like Crohn's, generally has the opposite effect on the digestive tract. Besides, everybody knows that farting is funnier than pooping.

vanessa CAMEL TOE (Google)

As a friend and I once discussed vis-a-via porn: there's a name for everything you can think of...and a whole bunch more for stuff that never even crossed your mind. Apparently, the lovely "Vanessa", one of the reviewers at The Best Porn, did a little write-up on a little siite called ispycameltoe.com. Gave it a 73.5. Nice beat; you can dance to it.

ad agency listens (Google)

They do? What have you been smoking? More importantly, where can I get some?

project runway christian boycott (Yahoo)

My Lord! What won't those wacky Christians boycott?!

As far as I can tell, they'll give the big, organized thumbs down to the "anti-family agenda of Planned Parenthood" and Your Right Hand Thief's wife, Lovely, who may or may not be a Christian, was planning to boycott Miramax had Jay not made it to the finals (will Disney stock go up now that Jay has won?), but that's about it as far as the organized protests go.

Mayhaps there's an application for your fervor, lonely searcher?

recipe chicago style giardinera (Yahoo)

Oh, for chrissakes, Martha Stewart. Just go here and order it. Life is too damned short.

feng shui missing conner apartment (Google)

Dear me, I wonder how long conner has been missing? Just so you know, feng shui is really good for getting the old ch'i moving around, but a lot less efficient at finding missing persons. Perhaps you should get in touch with this Alice DuBois person. I hear she's good at finding things...

CLIP ART FRIDAY (MSN)

Now, there's a good idea for a Friday feature...

xxx c

I am Mrs. Potato Head, Redux

mrsphead.jpgThe communicatrix opened her e-mail yesterday and one of her many marketing newsletters (once an ad whore, always an ad whore) had the read-'em-and-weep news: Lycos has introduced the dating meta-search. That's right: the Mall of Online Dating Is Here, with Matchmaker and Tickle as your anchor stores, and smaller franchises like iMatchup, loveaccess.com and True.com sprinkled in between Forever 21 and the Wicks 'n' Sticks. We've been here before, kids: the East Village used to be affordable. Frye boots were cool (twice). There was no beaten path to San Miguel de Allende. Money may change everything, but critical mass destroys it.

But all hope is not lost for those of you still on the electronic prowl. Of course, if you are in that thin sliver of the Venn diagram that both reads communicatrix and online dates, you have probably already burned through the hipster cohort on the Spring Street Networks. For you, I have two words: Craig's List.

"But Colleen," you protest, "surely you jest! CL is for the 420/freak-friendly, NSA, here's-my-dick-come-do-me-hard-right-now crowd."

Well...yes. But as I always say, if you're reading Craig's List...

Besides, do you really think you're going to find the romantic equivalent of an urban-renewal, 750 sq ft loft on Match.com or eHarmony? Dream on, suckahs. CL is the frontier, my little prairie dogs of love, but if you're looking for land, lots of land under starry skies above, or anything beyond the picked-over leavings of the pay sites, you'd best saddle up and head west.

Of course, the rules are tougher in lawless parts. And if things are stacked against men in general in the online dating world, that goes double for CL. If there's any interest, I may post chick guidelines for CL at a later date, but since the ratio of dudes to dudettes on the bare-bones bulletin board seems to be about 1000-to-1, my first act of charity is to post:

10 Surefire Ways to NOT Get Into Anyone's Pants on Craig's List (men's edition):

  1. Post a picture of yourself playing the guitar...naked from the waist up!
  2. When no one "good" responds, repost ad every two hours for the following four weeks. Be sure to explain that this is a re-post because no one "good" has responded.
  3. In describing your ideal woman, include: (a) great intellect; (b) cunning wit; (c) kindness; (d) open-mindedness; and (e) giant labia.
  4. Attach several pictures of giant labia to illustrate your point.
  5. Go on at great length about your razor-sharp sense of humor. Be sure to include no actual examples of same.
  6. Refer to yourself extensively as a "GRATE CATCH", "VARY INTILECTUAL" and "EXTREEMLY PERTICULER."
  7. Politely close with "NO FAT CHIX, PLEADSE."
  8. Ask for a same-night date to an event for which you have free tickets; indicate that interested applicants should explain in their emails to you why they should be chosen over other potential candidates.
  9. Assert that you are looking for "that special lady" who is overlooked when out with her "really hot friends" but "still isn't a pig or anything."
  10. Explain that you are ISO a "married BBW" with whom you can "exchange mutual orgasms." Express true confusion over this being a difficult thing to find.

Remember: the communicatrix may be off the market, but it doesn't mean the girl of your dreams isn't still out there! Gentlemen, start your engines...

xxx c

ADDITIONAL TECHNORATI TAGS:

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Searches, we get searchesâ„¢: Project Runway edition

searchesThe numbers don't lie. You can write all you want about life, truth and the pursuit of happiness, the peoples, they just wants their "Project Runway":

  1. Project Runway (Yahoo), project runway (MSN), etc. ad nauseum
  2. project runway "vanessa article" (Yahoo),"bravo project runway" vanessa (Google), etc. ad nauseum
  3. kara saun fashion week (MSN)
  4. music on project runway (Yahoo)
  5. banana republic project runway (Yahoo)
  6. "project runway" mario (Yahoo)
  7. rent video of any episode of project runway (Google)
  8. naked project runway (Yahoo)
  9. what time is project runway on tonight (Yahoo)

Okay, so 99% of you don't give a crap about my startling insights into the human condition. I can take a hint. I can go for the quick buck (and I'm absolutely speaking metaphorically, here, this is so not a lucrative venture).

Still, I seek the love like any lost and lonely blogger. Plus, there's that Virgo motto: "To love is to serve."

So here's the quick rundown for you:

  1. Skip the searches, guys and gals. The juiciest, best-written stuff on PR is right on the Bravo website. Select any episode and then go to Tim's Take for Parsons overlord Tim Gunn's super-fab, ultra-bitchy, ever-insightful spin on the events in question. He makes Michael Musto look like a piker. Rock the fuck on, dude.
  2. Here's the 411 on Vanessa: los-ah! She's such a los-ah, she even said so herself! And, as we all saw on the penultimate episode, she's an alcoholic los-ah, to boot! If you are interested in the bisection of los-ahs and alcohol, may I suggest this article on Imposter Syndrome? May I also suggest that if you suffer from Imposter Syndrome, you learn to keep your trap shut.
  3. Kara Saun should win "PR". Hell, she's so good she should win "Survivor," "The Bachelorette" and "Last Comic Standing," too. The hell with it. Give her an Oscar, too. Just give her everything.
  4. Dude, who gives a crap about the music on "PR?" That track from the Banana Republic ad is the shit. I might go see Chris Pierce at one of his upcoming L.A. gigs. But the crap they play on the show? Sheesh. You need to get out more and stuff.
  5. Banana Republic sponsors PR. They are the high-end arm of the GAP and Old Navy. So while there's a whole lotta savvy marketing going down, I don't know that they're the last word in fashion.
  6. Mario!? Dude, that's like digging Ringo when you've got John, Paul and George to crush on.
  7. You cannot rent videos of any episode of PR yet, dumbass. They're still airing new episodes.
  8. Frankly, I'm thinking "spin-off." But in case the Bravo brain trust isn't with me on this, I gotcher naked couture here.
  9. Two words: Ya-hoo!

Thanks for reading. See you all on the other side of the "PR" finish line!

xxx c

Project Life, by "Project Runway" Part IV

model-yWe're over the hump on hump day, but those Project Runway/Life Lessons just keep on comin'... Thanks to all my Wednesday-only readers who have found me via Google, Yahoo!, Technorati and MSN searches. Just so you know, what I know about fashion would fit in my bra, which, were it to be used for the odd alternate purpose of stowing nuts for winter, wouldn't hold enough to keep an anorexic squirrel alive for 48 hours after the freeze. (And frankly, given how often I even wear one, I might as well donate it to some alternate cause.)

Lesson 12: Make it Fit!

You think foo-foo is the answer? You obfuscator, you! Don't you know that any fool with a MasterCard and a high-speed connection can pile on the frippery?

Real men, or, in this case, women, cut fierce. And Kara Saun is 100% fierce in the fit department. Hear the praise her exquisitely cut wedding sheath earns from stern Parsons overlord, Tim Gunn:

I feel about Kara Saun's work the same way that I feel about the work of Coco Chanel; that is, when you see it you think, "This is exactly what the fashion world has been waiting for!" You can't predict it. You can't anticipate it. You simply respond to what is.

Lesson 13: Remember Whose Name is on the Label

Okay, show of hands: who blows rent money to buy couture from the House of Hacque?

I thought so. Contradicting one's inner voice is a recipe for one giant cheese ball of confusion. I'd rather be Austin and go down in glorious, chiffon-draped flames than wishy-wash my way out by caving to the whims of a sixteen-year-old girl's idea of fashion. Know what you stand for and then get on your freakin' feet and off your damned can already. Sheesh.

Lesson 14: Sell Yourself!

The meek may inherit the earth, but only after it's been picked clean of anything good by the self-promoters. Don't hide your light under a bushel (ooo...that's TWO biblical references, I love it when TV and god intersect). Be like Austin: throw on a velvet cape, rock those YSL specs and work the room!

And if you're not naturally flamboyant and/or gregarious, fake it ‘til you make it. It's called acting, sugar-face!

Lesson 15: Keep it Original

U gots 2 B U. It's one thing to pay homage (i.e., steal the right way); it's quite another to abdicate originality and play copycat. In addition to being crushingly boring (and unethical, despite Tim's lenient take on the issue), it's a waste of good, old-fashioned DNA. You got your own map for a reason; quit looking over your neighbor's shoulder at hers!

Lesson 16: Lead by Example

This challenge had two designers heading up teams of three where each contributed one “look” to a “collection”. Theme? “For the year 2055.” Source materials? Low-end Village vintage shop. As if.

*****VENOM ALERT: Just so we're all clear on this, I thought everyone sucked ass in this challenge. Imitation of Christ, you ain't; I've seen better deconstructions on Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. END VENOM ALERT.*****

Still, Kevin, Team Leader #1, got the boot because ****SWEARING ALERT**** his design sucked the most ass. If you're in charge, your contribution to the team should suck the least amount of ass. So if you are a boss, please do not suck ass. ****END SWEARING ALERT.****

-----

Okay, my babies. Last PR tonight! Last set of Life Lessons to follow...

xxx c

TAGS: 

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

searchesWherein I list varous searches that brought various wayward souls to communicatrix-dot-com, most often fruitlessly, and endeavor to provide fruit (or something like that):

"powerpoint ella fitzgerald" (Google)

As a dead jazz vocalist, Ella Fitzgerald does not use PowerPoint. Additionally, given the timing of her exit and PowerPoint's entry, I am fairly certain that even while alive, Miss Fitzgerald did not have access to Microsoft's now-ubiquitous program for the creation of her jazz presentations.

Perhaps she used transparencies and an overhead projector, although with her background in improv, I see her as more of a free-flowing, white-board kind of gal (no pun intended!)

"hanro camel toe" (Google)

Alas, Hanro's celebrated 1992 line of undergarments, developed to capture the hillbilly/rocker demographic, has been discontinued.

For other fine Hanro products, try here or here.

For superior, post-millenial camel toe, I highly recommend this pair of Joie jeans after eating too many cookies.

"phoning it in" acting definition (Google)

Michael Caine in everything after The Man Who Would Be King (excluding Hannah & Her Sisters, Little Voice and The Cider House Rules).

Daniel Chu copywriter (Google)

According to Creativity, as of September 10, 2003, Mr. Chu was a senior creative at TBWA Chiat Day NY, where he was partly responsible for a "flashy production, with fresh-faced leads" shilling Joe Boxer and K-Mart "with flavor and soul, hitting the target's pop cultural buttons with uncontrived authenticity."

Color me sold!

WOMEN SLAPPING (MSN)

Don't slap women. In fact, don't slap anyone. Actually, I take that back, go slap yourself, you sick fuck.

butt doctor (Yahoo)

An M.D. who gets paid insane amounts of money to stick a camera up one's ass. Occasionally, a surgical specialist who withholds Crohn's diagnosis from patient and then, seven months later, helpfully visits patient in hospital to sketch new rectum he is going to build her while trying to keep from licking his lips at the prospect; in such cases, the "butt doctor" is also a "butt hole." (NOTE: if you live in the Los Angeles area and are looking for a "butt doctor," please feel free to e-mail me for an un-recommendation.)

daises recipe (Yahoo)

As "daises" (sic) are rather malodorous flowers, I am surprised to find them sought after as an ingredient. Perhaps this lone searcher was researching high-end cow snacks.

"pictures of lesbian lover xxx rate" (MSN)

Sadly, I lost all of mine in a recent kitchen fire. But I can help you with...

Wart"plantar's wart photo" (Yahoo)

As you can see, a mere two years after the only pedicure I've ever had, mine's almost gone! Hooray for Efudex! Hooray for the Solingen precision callus remover! Hooray for Dr. Brian P. Mekelburg!

Communicatrix (Google)

Congratulations, little stalker fans, you've made it to the right place. More information about me than you can shake a stick at. But just for the record, it's "communicatrix" with a lowercase "c"...e.e. cummings-style!

That's all for now. And remember: you can find anything you want on the internets if you look hard enough...and it's all true!!!

xxx
c

UPDATE: In my rush to get the news out, I neglected to include the promised wart photo. It's been added, although it should be noted that it is more of a "previous site of wart" or "ex-wart" than wart, at least, it is according to my dermatologist, Dr. Brian P. Mekelburg (who, btw, said that I'd had "the most impressive progress" on my wart of any of his patients! I WIN AGAIN!!!).

Project Life, by "Project Runway" Part III

after fitzhugh In which we continue to draw Life Lessons from this season's surprise source of integral wisdom (and ripping-good reality TV), "Project Runway."

Lesson 10: There's No Room for Drama on a Deadline

In Episode 4, the designers had to go from working solo to a cluster fuck collaborating in teams! Of three designers each. Mon dieu et zut alors!

Team Kevin fell victim to the drama doldrums when a critical pattern piece went missing. Instead of spending valuable time figuring out a solution, they wasted it (apparently, I've still got to catch up) with infighting and hysteria. As Tim so sagely put it, “It was not essential that the pattern piece be found or that retribution be sought for a speculative thief. What was essential is that the design be finished in time for the runway judging.”

What precious commodity, time, energy, effort, are you frittering away on some “missing pattern piece” of your life when you could be getting on with things? Have you not read He's Just Not That Into You? Do you not get that this is not a dress (OMG!!! ROTFLMAO!!!) rehearsal? Lose the hair shirt! Drop the mantle, Drama Queen! Need I spell it out for you? Tick, tick, tick!!!

Lesson 11: Don't Fall on Your Sword!

Poor Vanessa. She learned this lesson the hard way. When the judges asked which member of the team was the weak link, Vanessa brought up her own inferior cutting skills. WTF?!? Don't aspiring couturiers watch "The Apprentice"? Tim knows the score: “Even when up against a wall and caught red-handed with the evidence, don't volunteer to receive the death sentence; you can't go backwards from there. I'm reminded of another Susan Hayward film (am I dating myself?) in which her character is accused of murder and imprisoned. It's called, I Want to Live! That's the spirit.”

Damn straight, it is! Be your own best friend and your bestest publicist! And if you've found yourself on P4 in the underground parking garage of self-esteem, well, then, fake it till you make it, baby! Do you think that if, say, the President of the United States made an egregious error of some sort or another that he'd throw up his hand and cry “Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maximum culpa!”?! Do you think he'd even cry at all? 'Nuff said.

***

We're getting down to the wire. Only a few designers and a couple of episodes left. Tonight's VERY SPECIAL PROJECT RUNWAY is a pastiche of interviews with current and former program contestants. But don't call it padding; call it an opportunity to learn! Unless of course, you've got your whole life figured out and everything, Little Miss Buddha!

xxx c

Wake up! To a year of GOOD DESIGN!!!

Is this the year of the Rooster or the year of the Designer? Maybe it's both! All I know is I've got to be up when the rooster crows to keep up with all the design projects streaming through my in-box these days. And the money! Why, I may have to employ extra help just to count it all! Anyway, while it's really fun (really! it is!) working on cool-i-o stuff, I recognize the process can be a little daunting for those just getting their feet wet in the design world.

So, in keeping with The Communicatrix Goal of offering Useful Tips for Living and other valuable nuggets, here are a handful of tips to get you started on the road to graphic happiness:

1. When you find a new designer via the web, always ask for a detailed estimate. If you don't like it, you can always just ignore it. And don't be intimidated by pressure tactics like them "following up" with a "polite" email. After all, who's the customer, here? That's right, you!

2. Remember, a more complicated job requires more lead time. For example, while a business card should take no more than an hour or two, you should probably allow at least a day's turnaround for your company newsletter. Haste makes waste!

3. If you have ideas, be sure to share them with your designer before he or she starts working. Comments like "I think Comic Sans would be a great typeface to use for the body copy, don't you?" or "I like a heavy drop shadow on my headlines" not only are great thought-starters, they show your designer that you're not some rube who just fell off the design turnip truck!

4. By the same token, if a brain flash hits you at the last minute, by all means, don't hold back! A good designer won't be mad that you're changing everything at the last minute, they'll be thrilled that you care enough to make them look good!

5. Another way to be helpful is to give your designer lots and lots of fun clip art to use. TIP: When it comes to clip art, there's no such thing as too kooky! Don't worry if it looks a little jumble-y; matchy-matchy is out,  eclectic is in!

6. Don't let some hoity-toity graphic "designer" tell you how many typefaces is too many! If God didn't want us have a lot of fonts in our printed material, why would he have put so many on our computers? Stupid designers!

7. To make your newsletter stand out from the pack, try copying it onto colored stock. TIP: Different colors can change the mood completely: for a “serious” look, try mint green; for a fun, fruity look, how about grape? And nothing shouts "I Am Acme Widgets!" like a ream of Astrobrights: hot pink, neon orange, rock'em-sock'em lime, etc.

8. Graphic designers like to throw around big, confusing terms like "white space" and "that colored stock you copied the last newsletter on makes it a little hard to read" just to make themselves feel smart. Don't be fooled by fancy double-talk. If your newsletter was hard to read, your family would have told you!

9. If there's anything you don't like about the design, don't hurt your designer's feelings. Just ask for an "output" and once you get it home, cut, rearrange and paste to your own liking. Then just Xerox and, voila! you're a graphic designer! (TIP: If you copy it at extra light, the cut lines barely show at all.)

10. Finally, don't feel like you have to hire a designer just because other people are doing it. After all, if you own a computer with Microsoft Word and hands, you already have all the tools you need to produce fine graphic "design" in the comfort and privacy of your own home, and save wasted money, too!

Enjoy!

xxx c

Project Life, by "Project Runway" Part II

plaidWhew! We're really behind on our Project Life/Project Runway Lessons, so I'm going to have to move a little faster to get us caught up. (Don't want to get caught in LIFE with our pants down, HAHAHA!) In Episode 2, the eleven remaining designers (sorry, Daniel, hopefully, you're making the most of your resources back in Hollywood) were each given a big bolt of cotton tubing and told to depict the deadly sin, ENVY, which is the enemy of LOVE. (NOTE: I did not know that last bit but I found it out on the internets, which are excellent for getting truthful information of all kinds).

For instance, another thing I learned is how much fashion design has in common with international diplomacy:

Lesson 4: Step Back and Be Objective

"One of Kara Saun's greatest strengths is her ability to objectify her work; that is, examine it as though someone else created it. This temporary disengagement gives her the ability to diagnose issues and prescribe solutions to her designs; solutions that work. Too frequently, our intentions and our efforts serve to impede our judgment."

—"Tim", from Project Runway

Wow. Condie's pretty lucky she's got a lock on that new gig! Sounds like Kara could give her a run for her money! Plus I bet KS would look better on TV in those foxy outfits. (Note to self: buy embroidery hoops to use as earrings.)

Lesson 5: Challenge Yourself

Okay, this one is easy. All Mario did was take his tubing, pull it over the model's head and make bloody bullet hole thingies to portray the envy because "the fashion industry is cut-throat, so his muse was shot." WTF?!? Lesson by Colleen: Get off your lazy ass. If you cannot get off your lazy ass, you lose.

Lesson 6: Edit

We should have known that Starr had an editing problem. I mean, look at her name: if she took away an "R," then she would be a real "Star" and maybe have a regular TV gig and a big wedding with a bunch of free stuff.

Anyway, Starr's first dress had too many tumors. (Don't ask.) Then she took a bunch off, which is EDITING, and she had...a dress with less tumors. But she lasted another round, which is more than Mario. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Didn't Ben Franklin say that? He was kind of an editor, sort of. You should edit more! More than that! More still!

the other janLesson 7: Be Yourself

Crab, crab, crab. These designers are always crabbing. For instance, Vanessa was crabbing that the challenges were too restrictive, that they didn't let Vanessa shine through. So Tim says: "Ask yourself what it is about your point of view and design philosophy that transcends all forms of presentation. Think: How would Balenciaga have morphed his work so that it would sell on QVC?"

Touché, my little rag trader, touché...

Lesson 8: Listen and Learn

Big fat old Wendy made it to the third challenge by the skin of her pinking shears. But did she act like the LEW-sah she might well have? No, ma'am-a-rama! As Wendy said herself of this opportunity to design "real" clothes, "If I can't design the winning dress for this challenge, then I shouldn't be here. I am Banana Republic!"

Be like Wendy. Take the note. Knock that chip off your shoulder. And when life hands you charmeuse, cut on the bias! (But carefully!)

Lesson 9: Make It Pretty

Poor Starr. As Tim says, "The dress for this challenge looked like a mixture of Poiret, Erte, harlequins, and jesters, worthy inspirations, indeed , but the color relationships, the proportions, the awkward jerking of the fabric as the model walked the runway all screamed "H-E-L-P!!" It was sad. Make it work. Make it pretty."

Bring the Pretty goes hand in hand with Lesson 6, Edit. After all, even the most exquisite Harry Winston jewelry looks likes poopoo if you wear it all at once. Apparently, Starr likes to drag out all the baubles for her weekly shop at the Ralphs. Sorry, Starr. Next time, make it pretty.

xxx c

P.S. Don't forget to watch Episode 8 tonight! The communicatrix is a little caught up in another show right now, but she'll be back on fashion track pretty darned soon!

Project Life, by "Project Runway"

You are a young1, aspiring designer. You have a dream: wealth, fame and the possibility of immortality via your own couture label (plus maybe a low-end spin-off at Target®). When you are given the opportunity to compete for the realization of that dream, you jump on it. Nothing can stop you now! Nothing except...yourself. DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!!! happymodelIs it any wonder that Bravo's Project Runway is a runaway hit? This is no mere reality trifle exploiting the fashion world, this is an illumination of the human condition, of the triumphs we rejoice in and the tribulations we muddle through. Like all great works of art, by focusing intensely on the specific, Project Runway speaks eloquently to the general. And the Lessons of Project Runway are like the Lessons of Life (only more stylish and way funner to watch). Listen to Tim, Project Runway's designer-judge liaison-type person (and resident sage), and learn...

Lesson 1: Make It Work

For the materials with which you will construct your first creation, a fabulous couture dress, you are sent to the store, the grocery store.

cornhusksNo problem, ever-creative, you fabricate an fanciful frock from packing tape and strategically placed corn husks. You are a genius. You run off to attend to some details (how does one accessorize a husk dress? A tortilla tam? A Sno-Caps clutch?) and when you return, sacre bleu! The husks have dried and shrunken, leaving unseemly bald patches all over your glorious creation!

Do you panic? Do you cry out at the unfairness of the universe, rend your flesh, curse your ignorance of husk water retention? Heckers, no! You slap a bunch of husk shards on the blank parts, et voila: you not only save your dress but win your round, and immunity going into the next challenge!

oopsSo the next time tragedy parks itself on your couch with an oversize rolling duffel, remember: if Austin can resuscitate a couture dress under that kind of pressure, you can certainly fix an overly-cumined batch of chili or salvage your crappy relationship.

Better yet, give 'em both the heave-ho and make yourself your fixer-upper. Because let's face it, what are we really trying to fix when we work on our dresses?

That's right, people. That's right...

Lesson 2: Make The Most Of Your Resources

bagpaperDaniel thought he was soooo smart.3 Everyone else was freaking out about how to make a grocery-store dress with only 50 bucks, and he fashions his from butcher paper and a garbage bag. But as Tim says,

For me, that statement was an instant uh-oh,because he wasn't fully utilizing the extent of his resources. It's a bit like saying that you have $500.00 to spend on an outfit at Banana Republic and you come away from it wearing a pair of [Banana Republic] boxer shorts and a [Banana Republic] scarf why? [NOTE: This comment, like Project Runway, brought to you by Banana Republic.]

If life gives you the equivalent of a $500 shopping spree, don't “chintz” out (LOL!!! ROTFLMAO!!!) at skivvies and a scarf. Unless, like, the undies are Hanro and the scarf is Hermes or something.

But seriously, use all the brains, beauty and talent you were born with4. To do anything less isn't humility, it's insulting. I mean, you don't see Paris letting the moss grow under her feet, do you? Ha. I think I've made my point.

Lesson 3: Candy, Not So Dandy

Whew! There are a lot of lessons packed into this episode! (Kinda like...life!)

candymodelWendy crafted her creation out of candy, which the twin terrors of body heat and runway lights almost melted into, as Tim sez, (a) design too revealing even for cable TV! Yikes!

"Where is the life lesson in a melted candy dress?" I'll bet you're asking. Well, I'll tell you, smarty-pants: Choose the people surrounding you not for their sparkly appeal, but for their ability to make it through the long haul...and for their sparkly appeal.

------

Wow! That was hard and took a long time, too. I guess I'll come back later with more lessons. In the meantime, make sure you watch Project Runway tonight, Wednesday, on Bravo. Back-to-back episodes at 8pm/9pm! First, they each make a swimsuit. Then they make something else, I think together. Oh, bother. I'm too tired to watch the video clip and report back to you. My advice to you is look it up yourself.

Hey! I like giving advice, too! Maybe I should create a reality show where the contestants are all aspiring to be the advice people on reality shows!

xxx c

skinny1My bad! Not all of the Project Runway contestants are young. Project Runway prides itself on its diversity. For example, Kara Saun is black!* And Austin is gay! And Wendy, the old one, is also kind of fat! I heart diversity! And Project Runway, too!

2Sorry, I don't know his last name. I am new to the show since I am a dork who doesn't watch enough TV. Actually, I watch a lot of TV, but mostly reruns of Law & Order (comforting), King of the Hill (hilarious and comforting) and Judge Judy (disturbing but oddly comforting, and often hilarious). I will try to watch more TV in the future. But all the lesson titles are actually by TIM, called "Tim's Takes." Don't believe me? Go look it up!

3Only I guess he wasn't, 'cause he's not on the show anymore!

4And your trust fund, too, if you were born with one of those. Only don't spend it like a jackass. And tithe. Everyone should tithe. Maybe if you're rich, even double/triple/quadruple tithe. Oprah tithes, and she has lots of really nice clothes and shoes and stuff. But she is also nice, and changes the world for good. So I guess, if you're rich, call Oprah and ask her about the tithing thing. If you're that rich, you probably have her number or something anyway.

*And she is so the best one! I hope she wins. Hey! I just realized this is, like, a footnote in a footnote.**

**Wait, this is one, too! Cool!!

Stamp out hackting!

While searching for links for my last post, I was dismayed to find not a single definition, mention or even blog entry using a word I feel should be in wide circulation in the English language, hackting. Not being one to sit on my ass (and being a monstrously competitive type hellbent-for-leather to put my grubby thumbprint on the lexicon) I took time off from writing that post to submit the following definition to the Collins Word Exchange:

hackting (n) egregiously bad, superficial or ham-handed acting; performance undertaken for the sole purpose of adding to one's wealth or fame: "phoning it in"; from "hack" and "acting"; also “hacktor” (n) one who engages in hackting

After a brief registration (which will allow you to add other words you stumble upon or dream up by your own, very smart selves), you can submit this definition yourself. I of course think it's such a no-brainer they'll add it immediately, but it can't hurt to have a little backup!

Go here to register. I, along with critics and discerning, English-speaking performance patrons everywhere, thank you in advance for your support.

xxx c

Roman, er, American Idol

Well, I successfully avoided it for three entire seasons, but last night I happened to have my tuner card on Fox and I got sucked in by the machine. This year, we travel to the lovely coliseum in our nation's capitol. The lion lineup included such discerning tastemakers as That Former Laker Girl, That Mean British Guy, a surprisingly kind and lucid Jackson family member and, as a guest snacker, some hot dude from a band. And, as usual, you (and now I), gentle readers, are playing the role of The Bloodthirsty Mob in this year's meat circus.

As Andy Dehnart says in this mornings MSNBC recap, it's difficult to tell whether most of what we're seeing is a glorious put-on by some very clever moles or the sad, tatty dreams of some very delusional individuals. I'm praying for the former, but as a fellow human being (at least, I think we're all fellow human beings), I thought it might my duty to offer up a few helpful observations for those seriously contemplating joining in the next round of this madness. After all, being Kelly Clarkson, while not my particular cup o' java, is apparently a mighty big carrot at the end of this particular stick.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT AND/OR DO BEFORE DECIDING TO AUDITION FOR THE NEXT ROUND OF AMERICAN IDOL

  1. Busk at a busy city street corner for at least four hours. If you make less than one dollar per hour, rethink your plans.
  2. If anyone pays you to stop singing, cancel them immediately.
  3. If you are thinking of breaking out of the facility in which you are currently institutionalized in order to attend the audition, don't.
  4. If you are auditioning because a member of your family is an amazing, famous pop singer, remember, Bill Clinton has a brother, too.
  5. If you are auditioning because the people around you will not shut up about how you totally sound just as good as Cristina Aguilara, remember, it doesn't count if they're sleeping with you.
  6. Or drunk.
  7. Or if any of them are Jesus.
  8. If, however, you are auditioning because you think you might be the next William Hung, remember, there was no Son of Pet Rock.
  9. When selecting your audition piece, pick one key and really commit to it.
  10. Yes, all the way through.
  11. Also, try to avoid anything that is an automatic punch line for the judges, such as “Beat It,” “I Can't Live Without You” or anything by the Spice Girls.
  12. Also-also, if you are a generously proportioned male who has reached your majority, it is almost certainly a bad idea to select material written for a 10-year old girl, no matter how much you identify with her.
  13. Please remember that we cannot in fact hear the CD you've been singing along to while you practice, nor the voices in your head singing back up, and choose your vocal arrangement accordingly.
  14. When putting together your ensemble, remember, those white jeans aren't going to make you look any thinner on camera than they do in that mirror.
  15. Check for camel-toe.
  16. In a well-lit room.
  17. Check again.
  18. If at the outset you perceive your career options as Pop Superstar or Cosmetologist, go with Cosmetologist.
  19. If, however, your idea of a smokin'-hot outfit is a rugby shirt and white jeans barely able to accommodate a Carl's Jr. receipt, think very seriously about a third option, like plant care, or lithium.
  20. If you are given the boot, for the love of God, remember that tape is forever.

xxx c

Landmarks in language

Jeremy Wagstaff has highjacked a number of actual U.K. village names and put them to excellent use in his Geek's Lexicon. My favo(u)rites:

  • aynho (n) Someone who forwards inane jokes, hoax virus alerts and cutesy e-mails to everyone in their address book, however much they're asked not to. Usage: Who is the aynho that keeps sending Saddam jokes?
  • foindle (v) The (usually) unconscious act of stroking a much loved gadget in public.
  • melbury bubb (n) The noise of people talking on their handphone on public transport, unaware they are driving fellow commuters to distraction. How was your day, dear? Fine, but the melbury bubb on the train home was awful. What's for dinner?

Unhappy with the time it's taking for these excellent new-to-us words to enter the mainstream, Wagstaff has seized the reins and submitted a few to Harper Collins' new Living Dictionary/Word Exchange project:

  • chettle (collective n) The debris, such as crumbs, dead insects and lint, that gets stuck inside your computer keyboard.
  • hordle (v) The noise a modem makes when it is trying to connect to the Internet. As in: My modem isn't working. I can't hear it hordle.

  • whitnash (n) The pain in your shoulder at the end of a long laptop-carrying trip. As in: The trip went fine, but I've got serious whitnash and need a bubble bath.

Supporting these wonderful additions to the, um, English language requires but a trip to the Word Exchange and a brief registration. Come on, you know you wanna. I mean, what are you, some kind of aynho?

xxx c

Sunshine. Daisies. White wine. Communicatrix.

Artists bruise easily. And, like any sensible namby-pamby playing in a brutal schoolyard, they will do one of three things when bullies lob rocks at their heads or pants them during recess: run crying to the authorities, summon the cloak of invisibility or fight back. I've never been much of a crybaby (although I like nothing better than a fine cry with a good friend, glass of Merlot and a wedge of Brie) and since I am a bit on the chatty side the skulking away thing doesn't work so well for me, so I've usually elected to fight back. Not with fisticuffs (must we be so...yawn...literal?) but with artsy-fartsy things like wit, humor and a Teutonic level of organization. And usually, owing to a competitive streak the size of the Ganges that will not be satisfied until I have reduced my opponent to rubble, I like to employ all three.

So when some nimrod hocks a lugie at me in my own backyard, I'm not going to be satisfied with a good dressing-down or a simple banning, oh, no, my nameless, faceless friends. I'm going to win win WIN! I'm going to make communicatrix bigger, stronger, faster, and now, with fewer carbs and more natural flavor for a snacking sensation the whole family can enjoy! I'm going to leverage my equity, reposition the brand and seize a whole new slice of the consumer pie. And I won't stop short of anything but total bloggal domination!

Step one: focus the c-trix USP. No more of this soft-pedaling "oh, I'm just writing for me" crap. That's for mom-bloggers and LiveJournalists and other Internet pikers. I mean, really: "spouting off in & about" blah blah blah; what the hell kind of whiny loser bleat is that? Where's the teeth? Where's the snap? Where's the sh-sizzle, baby?

And damned right, people want style over substance. Don't kid yourself, baby, we're all about the cool-hunt in this country, every last one of us. What does Evelyn Rodriguez know about it anyway? Blah blah blah tsunami blah blah blah life-changing blah blah blah more important things in life. Jesus, I've been looking to her for inspiration? SHE'S ALMOST AS OLD AS I AM!!!

No more of this erudite navel-gazing in the guise of self-exploration and the quest for truth. I'm going to STAND for something! And if I can't immediately tell people what it is, why, I'll do what American advertisers have always done: manufacture something out of thin air!

The communicatrix, no, the Communicatrix, stands for...well, she stands for...

Okay. It appears a little old-school copywriting brainstorming is in order:

  • Communicatrix. Come for the lists. Stay for the interminable homilies.
  • Communicatrix. Dancing through fields of metaphors, (punctuated by parenthetical remarks) trailing ellipses in her wake...
  • Communicatrix. Yak yak yak.
  • Communicatrix. Because it's never too late to hit the back but,
  • Communicatrix. Double-digit readership since last November.
  • Communicatrix. I know you are...but what am I?
  • Communicatrix. Like nails on a chalkboard for real writers everywhere.
  • Communicatrix. Just because it's beyond our grasp doesn't mean we don't have an opinion about it.
  • Communicatrix. Too earnest to be funny. Too funny to understand Moveable Type.
  • Communicatrix. On the cutting edge of the tail end of virtually every trend.

Whew. Some really great stuff in there. Thank god for those ten years in advertising.

Now all I need is a good, weak cup of tea, a little lollygagging and some brisk pacing and I'll be ready to jump into Part II of my genius strategy:

  • Communicatrix, The Jingle!

xxx c

,

100 Things I Learned in 2004, Part 2

,

I'm sipping a delicious Earl Grey Creme at Argo Tea, which in addition to having tasteful décor and such fine teas that I almost forget my abiding love of the Americano, has FREE FREE FREE WiFi. Fuck you, Starbucks.

And now, without further ado, communicatrix presents...

100 Things the Communicatrix Learned in 2004, Part 2:

  1. There is no good time to fly out of LAX during the holidays.
  2. If you have kids and you want to make sure they get what you want them to get, put it in writing.
  3. The mixta salad at Patagonia trumps the mixed baby greens.
  4. It is possible to have a crush on a couple.
  5. Sometimes, you have to sell off your old love to facilitate a new one.
  6. I cannot say "no" to the right font, even if it may only ever be used for the pro bono gig it's perfect for.
  7. HBO is worth the extra 10 bucks a month.
  8. Showtime is not.
  9. STARZ really, really is not.
  10. Ricky Gervais is a comedy god.
  11. Sacha Baron Cohen is another one.
  12. Sweetbreads aren't my thing.
  13. After a certain age, it is better to travel less and stay in a hotel room than it is to travel frequently and couch-surf.
  14. The Jewelry Exchange in Tustin is not only in Tustin.
  15. That the Jewelry Exchange is also in Villa Park confirms that I never need visit the Jewelry Exchange in Tustin.
  16. Ani Afshar, on the other hand, I could drop some serious coin at.
  17. How to make a dot leader in Word.
  18. How to make the numbers line up, too.
  19. You can get yourself a really smokin' black-tie outfit for under $50.
  20. Shoes included.
  21. There is not a spam filter on earth that is any match for the volume of crap you will receive upon inquiring about stealth shopper services.
  22. If you get a plantar's wart on your foot and ignore it for two years, eventually it will demand your attention by burrowing its way down to your heel bone and hurting like a mother.
  23. You can go as long as a week between shampoos, provided you cool it with the product and don't let anyone get too close.
  24. You cannot go longer than eight weeks between coloring appointments if you want to continue to pass for under-40.
  25. Red lentil dal is a passable substitute for polenta.
  26. They both taste better cold.
  27. Life is exponentially more fun at 7'2", even if you have to duck a lot.
  28. No matter how great a deal it seems at the time, don't get the free phone.
  29. Especially if it's this one.
  30. The Earl Grey Creme at Argo is freakily addictive and worth every penny.
  31. Do not depend on your doctor to realize that the medication he is prescribing has as its main side effect something that could trigger a relapse of your preexisting condition, even if he refuses to prescribe a different medication because it would have a deleterious effect on the same preexisting condition.
  32. If you are passing a resale store and the perfect game-show-host jacket for your upcoming production appears in your peripheral vision, do not, under any circumstances, turn your head to look at it.
  33. If you decide to look anyway, you will get the most value for your automobile dollar by going through a broker.
  34. There will come a time when you would rather drink antifreeze than another glass of Two-Buck Chuck.
  35. If you were wondering whether it was the mercaptopurine, the mesolamine or the prednisone that was making your hair fall out, the answer is "yes."
  36. Given enough cashews and cheese, even a chronically skinny person will pork out around the middle.
  37. It's worth having a camera stuck up your ass for the fourth time in two years when the photo looks like this.
  38. For a variety of reasons, Chicago is not my kind of town anymore.
  39. For the time being, L.A. is.
  40. If you slather chicken breasts with thyme and olive oil and bake them under a bed of thinly sliced onions for 350º for an hour, the result is chicken that tastes ridiculously good and not nearly enough onions.
  41. When it comes to half-and-half yogurt, Medjool dates and Manchego cheese, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
  42. Once one's basic needs have been met, additional money has almost no bearing on personal happiness.
  43. Magical things happen when you add the word “no” to your vocabulary.
  44. Despite his legendary bad press and a lot of yelling, Joe Pytka is not only a good man but a kind and gracious one.
  45. Selling your unwatched DVDs back to Blockbuster is amazingly freeing.
  46. Purging clutter is oddly addictive.
  47. Just keeping your sink clean really does make you feel a lot better.
  48. Fear changes everything for the worse.
  49. Love changes everything for the better.
  50. Blogging rocks.

Read Part 1.

Asshole Tax

I used to call my mistakes "lessons", as in, I didn't see the "No Parking/Street Cleaning" sign and got a $35 lesson or "I waited too long to buy so-and-so a birthday gift and had to FedEx it last minute for a $40 lesson." That is, I called them lessons until I realized I would likely repeat or, in fact, had repeated my errors and wasn't learning a damned thing from them, ergo the word "lesson" was a misnomer.

"Asshole Tax," however, was right on the money.

Think about it. Essentially, you're forking over a premium (tax) on top of what you'd ordinarily pay because you: (a) did not organize your time properly; (b) remember what you shouldn't have forgotten; or (c) otherwise wantonly disregarded the plainly obvious, i.e., acted like an asshole.

It's heavy on my mind because the holidays, with their crazy time compression, are typically a time of heavy Asshole Tax Assessment for me.

Paid $4 for a bottle of water at the airport because you were too slammed for time to pick up one at the supermarket? That's a $3.40 Asshole Tax.

Buying your hosts a (crappy) $15 bottle of wine because you forgot to add one to the cart at Trader Joe's? A $5-10 Asshole Tax, depending on how skinflinty you were to begin with.

Of course, there are circumstances under which Asshole Tax is not Asshole Tax, namely, when they fall under my other-favorite financial designator, Value For Your Dollar. Like this morning, when technically I had left myself enough time for (free) street parking but was too tired to hike the four blocks to the hair salon; I paid $2.50 to park a half-block from the salon and believe you me, I got every penny's worth.

Sometimes it gets tricky to discern between the two. For instance, if I pay for takeout because I am too busy to make myself dinner (because of dietary restrictions, I almost always have to make myself dinner), I could call it Asshole Tax because I didn't plan my time properly, but I could also call it Value For My Dollar since a well-balanced meal is probably going to serve me and my intestinal health better in the long run than calling yet another fistful of cashews and cheese (my fast food) "dinner." (Believe me, those 11-day hospital stays don't come cheap.)

What's fascinating to me about the Asshole Tax/Value For Your Dollar equation is how it is not at all amount-dependent. I know I'll grumble over every cent of gift shop Asshole Tax that those pantyhose/false eyelashes/tampons I forgot to pack for my upcoming trip will cost me. But I couldn't care less about the premium I'm going to pay to park my car at the airport for six days because I'll squeeze every drop of value out blowing off Super Shuttle.

Unless, of course, I've already missed the chance to make my parking reservations at a reasonably-priced lot.

Asshole Tax, here I come...

xxx c

100 Things I Learned in 2004, Part 1

I feel about New Year's resolutions the same way I feel about New Year's parties: in my experience they are neither especially useful nor particularly enjoyable, so why bother? However, there is something to be said for marking the passage of time. Generally, I'm a fan of using one's birthday to do this, coming as it does with a ready-made excuse not only for people to party, but to do so specifically in your honor at the place of your choosing bearing gifts for you.

I'm also a big fan of listmaking, and the annual odometer roll is as great an opportunity to look backward over what's gone down as it is forward to what one might like to experience.

And I've been dying for an excuse to do one of those "100 things" lists.

So, without further ado...

100 Things I've learned in 2004 (Part I)

  1. Cable TV kicks ass.
  2. Digital cable TV on your Cinema Display kicks Double Secret Probation ass.
  3. If you get a strange rash on your face, do not treat it with your leftover hemorrhoid cream.
  4. Nothing perks up a room like a fresh coat of paint.
  5. Except maybe a red sofa.
  6. And art.
  7. While it is not necessarily advisable, it is possible to take an excellent picture from a moving car while driving.
  8. You can avoid almost all bar chords with the capo.
  9. Working out is not as bad as you think it's going to be and the way it makes you feel is ten times better than you ever dreamed it could be.
  10. I can do three sets of 20 pushups.
  11. Boy pushups.
  12. If you want to get to the Westside in a timely fashion, avoid Olympic between Highland and Fairfax, Wilshire between La Cienega and Santa Monica and the 10 between 7am and 10pm.
  13. Angelyne shops at my supermarket.
  14. There is a diminishing point of returns in online dating and it's pretty firmly fixed at 18 months.
  15. There is such a thing as bad sex.
  16. Any kind of sex, including no sex, is preferable to bad sex.
  17. The best way to make a steak is to sear it on each side for two minutes in a white hot cast iron pan, then stick the whole kit-'n'-caboodle in a 350ºF oven for 6 minutes per inch of thickness.
  18. If you live in an apartment, you should probably disconnect the smoke alarm before doing this.
  19. As long as there are no kids involved, you do not have to spend one single second in a relationship you're better off dispensing with.
  20. Rilo Kiley kicks ass.
  21. So does Ollabelle.
  22. Ditto Raul Malo.
  23. Billy Idol is oddly compelling in person, even though he is a little skeevy and shouldn't be taking off his shirt in public anymore.
  24. Batch processing in Photoshop will add years to the life of your wrist tendons.
  25. When you're getting ready to produce a show, figure out in advance how much everything will cost, then double it.
  26. If you glue magnets to the backs of your remotes, you will never lose them as long as you watch TV near something made of metal.
  27. As if the above didn't prove it, I am a geek.
  28. Woodford Reserve is better than Maker's Mark, but Maker's Mark is better than Knob Creek.
  29. There are cool art galleries in L.A.
  30. There is one really cool gallery in Cambria. Yes, Cambria.
  31. No, it isn't any of these.
  32. No, I won't tell you what it is, not until a certain painting I have been lusting after for months is safely in my clutches.
  33. You can still get a free ($40) pair of shoes if you are in one of the performers' unions, but they do not make it easy to do so.
  34. Knowing how to sew your own curtains is very empowering.
  35. LACC is a great place to learn, even if their website is ass.
  36. If you press *70, you can keep other calls from ringing through when you're on the phone.
  37. Just because a play is at the Taper and the playwright has suffered inordinately does not mean it is good, even if everyone in the theater jumps to their feet at the curtain.
  38. Just because a play is at the Ahmanson and the house is woefully empty does not mean it is not fantastic, even if you are the only one on your feet at the curtain.
  39. There is a diet that is a bigger pain in the ass than the Specific Carbohydrate Diet.
  40. It is called the Candida Diet.
  41. If you spend your summer eating dates stuffed with cheese wrapped in prosciutto and washing them down with large quantities of red wine, it is almost guaranteed that you'll end up having to go on it.
  42. That cobbler everyone said could make you an exact copy for $150 of the Prada pumps you bought for $300 but that came in the wrong size cannot, as it happens, do so.
  43. Those stovetop espresso makers make a mean cuppa.
  44. The best color toenail polish is silver.
  45. Just because someone is a dentist does not mean he is better at cleaning your teeth than a hygienist.
  46. The ROI on making your bed every day is surprisingly high.
  47. The ROI on emptying your garbage every day is, surprisingly, not.
  48. Aphids and ants share a symbiotic relationship on hibiscus plants.
  49. Liquid ginger in seltzer is a pretty good substitute for a Charger.
  50. When you blog, amazing things happen.

xxx c

Read Part 2 here.