I Am Mrs. Potato Head

Between a long bout of enforced relaxation and finding the true love of her life (ooooo...izza good widdle bloggy blog?...yes, it is! yes it is!), the communicatrix did a little online dating. Correction: a lot of online dating.

Yes, before I was the communicatrix, I was Mrs. Potato Head. And tiny_monkey and mrs. nom de plume and ETICKET399 (yeah, I know I was dating myself...no pun intended). It's a point of pride with me to apply the same zeal to all my gigs, paying and non-paying. And yes, this was a non-paying gig.

Anyway, there is a heap-load of dross to sort through online and I got emailed by a lot of it. I imagine gals in the under-40 set have their own trash to sort through, and given my own volume of mail, I can't imagine how the under-30 gals ever get to the bottoms of their in-boxes.

But the over-40, reasonably attractive, female online dater has her own set of peccadilloes to deal with. I was generous at first, but after a few (several...countless...) "interesting" experiences, I became a bit more ruthless. At this point, it's unlikely that anyone could scale my online wall of "don't"s, so I've pretty much given up on the online proposition. (Note that I did not say "completely," so I can't divulge where I'm still trolling these days with information like the portal is VERY FUNNY and I am listed under my ACTUAL AGE and LOCATION. Sleuth away, suckahs!!!)

Part of my mission on this blog is to share my path that others might find shortcuts. In this case, the ladies will have to read between the lines, but I am s p e l l i n g o u t for you gentlemen some of the more egregious red flags I've found in profiles, emails and even first dates.

And so...

10 Sure-Fire Ways to NOT Get Into the Communicatrix's Pants:

1. Post a picture of yourself standing next to your car, boat or plane.
2. Wear your sunglasses!
3. Make sure the photo is at least three years old.
4. Be at least 10 years/50 lbs. outside of my search parameters but email me anyway because you're sure I'll make an exception in your case.
5. Post your profile in a younger age category because you don't want to get aced out of some hot young chick's search parameters.
6. Be sure to tell me in your profile that you look MUCH YOUNGER than your photo because I have NO EYES with which TO SEE THIS FOR MYSELF.
7. When I email you a polite "no, thanks" to your query, be sure to email me back berating me for not going out with you because bellicosity is a HUGE turn-on and will for sure change my mind about dating you.
8. If I meet you at a speed-dating event, try to see how much venom you can spew about "money-grubbing bitches" and "cheap whores" before the bell rings.
9. When we finally talk on the phone, repeat over and over that you're not sure if we'll be a good match because I'm so petite, and when I still don't get it, shout out that you're afraid you'll rip me apart with your huge cock.

And finally, the surest-fire way NOT to get a date with the c-trix:

10. Send me a picture of yourself on your bed holding your (tiny) penis.

Happy hunting, everyone!

xxx c

Rocking the house for 4 weeks only!

Upside of being in Peace Squad Goes 99: The Greatest 99¢ Only Story Ever Told...Ever!: you will, apparently, play to packed houses full of cheering audience members who throw the love at you across the footlights in overwhelming waves. Downside: 3.5 hours/night strapped into plastic clothing with packing tape.

You just have no idea how wet underclothes can get until you have done back-to-back perfs of a 99¢ show.

Four weeks only, my babies. Reserve your seat now. You'll kick yourself if you miss it.

xxx c 

Game over, alright.

A random email turned up this game, designed for kids (although the patronizing "good!"s and "okay!"s would piss off anyone over the age of 3, if you ask me) but kind of eye-opening for adults.

I mean you know where Kansas is, basically, but unless you're from one of the six contiguous states that surround it, I defy you to place it properly (within, say, 10 miles) on a blank U.S. canvas. And I'm from Illinois. (Well, Chicago, anyway. And yes, it's different. Trust me.)

And it's not like you get all the waterfront states first so you can drop Tennessee in plop! next to...well, I'm not saying, smarty. Figger it out on yer own.

Anyway, I'm posting my shame for all to see: 88% correct; average error, 33 miles; time, a whopping 343 seconds.

And now, off to my holiday task: uploading images to the Peace Squad C**éPress Store for the fabulous 99¢ Only holiday operetta, opening this Friday!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

xxx c

P.S. Thanks to Marius from the Big Cheap Theater (BCT) list for the link.

UPDATE 2/26/06: C**éPress link removed along with store due to outrageously rotten customer service.

10 ways to know you are in Hell Week

In the theater world, the last week of rehearsals before a show goes up is affectionately known as "Hell Week." The 99¢-show sports an unusual Hell Week because a holiday is wedged in there; in honor of that, the cast has been given an entire two days, both Wednesday and Thursday, off before final dress rehearsal on Friday. So in my capacity as Chief Stilt-Walker, I have been given a two-day respite to let those newly-developed leg muscles rest.

Of course, in my capacity as graphic designer, I am forced to rest aforementioned muscles next to the old G5, which does not allow for much in the way of elevation.

But I digress.

While this is an unusal Hell Week in that it's slightly less, well...hellish, there are still certain die-hard traits that all Hell Weeks share. To wit...

1. You can neither remember the last day you went to the gym nor anticipate the next time you will see the inside of it.
2. You find yourself actually drifting off to sleep atop the stilts you just learned to walk on two days ago.
3. Instead of being outraged that the 7-11 is charging you 2 bucks for an airline-sized bag of cashews, you are filled with a Thanksgiving-level of gratitude that they accept Visa because you have not had time to go to the ATM in two weeks. And buy two bags.
4. Bourbon and cashews at midnight is dinner.
5. Bourbon and cashews at midnight is the most delicious and appropriate dinner you can imagine.
6. You can neither remember the last time you washed your hair nor anticipate the next time you will be able to do so.
7. You try to drive your car in "park."
8. Your kitchen floor is covered in hair.
9. This seems like no good reason to not eat the veggie burger you dropped there.
10. Your sexual fantasies start revolving around long hot baths with a fluffy magazine, followed by a mug of peppermint tea and a DVD in bed. Solo.

Time to get crackin' on those t-shirt designs. See you at the show, kids!

xxx c

Credit where credit is due

As a blogging newbie, I am not particularly fluent in the whole tracking technology thing. So at this juncture I would like to publicly acknowledge my reader from Utah who has taken the time not only to read this blog but to comment on it as well: thank you...um, well, I don't know his name, but I have his email addy and for damn sure I'm thanking him privately, too. But a big, fat, public "high-five" in the meantime. Go, Utah!

Gonna go figure out this whole tracking thingy now...

xxx c

Where I'm eating the next time I go to NYC

I've never been to Freeman's, but after reading this item in Gawker, I wish I was there last week:

Freemans, tuesday night the 16th of nov. the bush twins, along with 2 massive secret service men, tried to have dinner. they were told by the maitre'd that they were full and would be for the next 4 years. upon hearing, the entire restaurant cheered and did a round of shots... it was amazing!!! [Ed: We're hearing that this is actually true.]

Follow-up item today, also via Gawker: it's twoo, it's twoo...

xxx c

I speak geek.

You are 33% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.

Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.

You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!

Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!

You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Thanks to strategist for the link. I like a painless quiz, especially when it takes such a flattering photo of me.

xxx
c

Alexander the "Enh..."

From the IMDb news:

'Alexander' Panned

Critics have panned new Oliver Stone movie Alexander after early previews of the historic epic. The Oscar-winning director allowed a lucky few a sneak peek of the film - which stars Colin Farrell and is due for release later this month - but critics were unimpressed and have voiced their concerns on the world wide web. One review, posted on AintItCoolNews.com, reads, "This movie is a mess. According to Stone he just finished this film on Friday and, in my opinion, it looks like he rushed it out the door. The story is incohesive, the acting is uninspired, and the whole look is incredibly pieced together." Another adds, "I was stunned - and I say that without snarky irony - stunned by how bad this movie was. Overacting, bizarro camera work and frame tinting, lackluster battles. God, it was just a mess."

Well, duh. I mean, did you see that trailer?

xxx
c